What the Fuck, Cosmo?

2012-03-25

First of all: sex ed in this country, not old enough to read Cosmo, blah blah blah.

Second: Didn’t I read somewhere that growers and showers aren’t real, and that penis size is just a trick blood plays on my tiny lady-brain?

2012-03-24

Oh yeah, I remember this from algebra class. A + B = orgasm.

JK, I know they don’t let girls take algebra. Right, Mom?

2012-03-23

I’m not sure how he’s going to see anything with all the lights off in the dead of night, but OK, what does he want to “see” during sex?

2012-02-27

I would have just asked him to lick my clit, but you know, never speak unless you’re spoken to!

2012-02-26

Looks like Cosmo’s Wordplay Director needs to lay off the How I Met Your Mother reruns…or maybe watch more. Either way, the gal seems confused.

2012-02-25

These are just 1950s-style masturbation hints, right?

2012-02-24

I rage-watch a lot of terrible sitcoms, and I can tell you right now that men always figure this one out. You’d better just burn his whole wardrobe so he doesn’t suspect anything.

This tops a list of advice Cosmo doesn’t think you should follow, and I legitimately don’t understand what they’re saying here. I should go to bed angry because then I’ll express my anger in a more morning-appropriate way? Someone decode this for me.

2012-02-22

Taylor Swift wouldn’t have to make that decision because she’s a millionaire with her dream job, and you’re stuck in cubicle, watching all hope of having a remarkable life slowly slip away from you, partially because life is unfair, but mostly because the vast majority of people just aren’t talented, motivated, or lucky enough to lead an extraordinary life.

And that’s fine, but it won’t put Manolo Blahnik money on the table.